Adoption: Through The Eyes of an Adoptive Mother

Look at these two little beacons of light in a sometimes dark and dreary world.  They fill my life with joy, hope, and happiness.  They motivate me to do better and be better.  My life has purpose and meaning with them in it.  They are mine through the gift of adoption.  But, not mine and mine alone.  I share them with two beautiful women who brought them into this world.  Some call them birth-mother's.  I call them angels.

In light of recent news regarding adoption I wanted to share my experience from an adoptive parents' point of view.  These are MY feelings.  I don't expect that all adoptive parents share these same feelings.  I know that every adoption is unique and every person experiences something different because of perspective.

For as long as I can remember I have loved children.  As a teenager I took on babysitting jobs not only as a way to earn cash, but because I loved kids.  When my hubs and I were dating and engaged we talked about having a family.  We wanted four or five children.  Never once during those conversations did the idea even cross my mind that we may not get pregnant.  After being married for about six months we decided we would try to start our family.  My immature self expected to get pregnant within the first month.  It didn't happen.  Several months passed and I didn't get pregnant. Finally, after a year I decided maybe I should see a doctor.  At that point I started taking fertility medications, giving myself monthly shots and running numerous tests and procedures.  Months turned into years and still no babies.  There were days my heart ached and the tears flowed freely.  It seemed everyone around me was having babies; friends, sisters, sister-in-laws, cousins.  It was so unfair.  I was mad at God for blessing others with children when I couldn't have one.  I was mad at those single girls who became pregnant because they weren't deserving.  I was mad at the women who lived in poverty, did drugs, or abused their babies and could get pregnant and I couldn't.  Why would God allow such a thing?  Why was I being punished?

Eventually, I realized I wasn't being punished.  I realized too, that good things happen to bad people and I realized that those single pregnant women would be two of the greatest human-beings I would ever meet and love.  Once I decided to realize that God knew what was best was when things started to change.  I'll never forget leaving the University of Utah hospital after meeting with an infertility specialist.  We had two options if we wanted to become parents: IVF (In vitro fertilization) or adoption.  Although I remember crying from disappoint, I also remember a sense of relief  to FINALLY have answers so that we could move forward.  IVF would cost thousands of dollars and we gambled with a 50/50 chance of  ending up with a baby.  We decided we would rather put our money toward adoption.  People ask me if money weren't an issue would we have done IVF.  Probably not.  I was so over being pricked and prodded and medicated.  Infertility med's are not kind.  I gained weight, experienced hot flashes that even a menopausal woman couldn't compete with and was moodier than a premenstrual teenage girl.  On that day we decided adoption was for us and it left me feeling happy, anxious and hopeful.

The road to motherhood was still filled with bumps, twists and turns.
Hoop #1:  Money.  They say money can't buy happiness but in our case it could, and eventually, it did!  We patiently saved and tried to get our finances in order.  We saved to buy a house or a baby; whichever came first.

Hoop #2:  Adoption classes. Ugh! For me this was painfully awkward.  I had no desire to sit around with complete strangers and cry about not becoming pregnant.  By the time we got to this phase I was over infertility.  The last thing I wanted to do was to hash out the feelings I had felt for the past five years.  That, and I prefer grieving in the privacy of my home.

Hoop #3: Paperwork. If you thought buying a house was a lot of paperwork try adoption.   Imagine having to apply for parenthood.  We did exactly that! We submitted bank statements, letters of recommendation, background checks and proof of good health from our doctors.  On top of that we had to talk about our relationship which included intimacy questions and how we deal with conflicts and problems.  The form I hated filling out the  most was the one that included a list of check-boxes where we had to choose what kind of child we would accept.  How about an infant? A toddler?  Hispanic or African-American? A child with birth defects or cerebral palsy?  We weren't talking about choosing what car to buy but a human-being.!  Do you know how guilty I felt leaving certain boxes blank?

Hoop #4:  The home study.  Picture a house inspector making sure your house is clean, sanitary, safe and fit for a child.  Talk about pressure!  Every electrical outlet covered, every cleaning agent out of reach, and fire extinguishers, carbon monoxide, and fire alarms set in place.

Hoop #5:  We WAIT!  The fate of our parenthood was out of our hands.  The only thing left for us to do was pray and spread the word to family and friends.  Did you know that often times that is how adoptive couples find adoptive mothers is word of mouth?  Our birth mothers found us because they knew someone that we knew.  Did you know that the day we moved into our house we received the phone call from the adoption agency that we had been picked to be parents?  The waiting period of being chosen by a birth mother was over but we still had to wait for baby to arrive.

Do you know the roller-coaster of emotions that accompany adoption?  Guilt, joy, heartache, charity, disappointment, loyalty, pressure, and humility just to name a few.  For me, the guilt came from feeling so excited and happy to have this child come home with me and knowing that our dear birth-mother's left empty handed and brokenhearted.  Guilt because I had grown to love these birth-mother's like family.  They became my sisters and I hated to see them ache.  Pressure to be the best mother to these babies in order to not disappointment the birth-mother's and their families. Disappointment came when I wanted to take my sick leave to be with my baby but couldn't because I hadn't actually given birth.  Five weeks of sick leave I had saved, but my employer said no.  They would give me the time off alright, but I couldn't get paid for it.  I felt cheated once again that because I couldn't give birth I didn't have the same rights as all mothers.  Aside from that, I feel humbled to have such a privilege of experiencing adoption and to witness such pure, Christlike love emulated by our birth-mother's, and I will feel forever indebted and loyal to them for their gift and sacrifice.

My point in writing this is not for people to feel sorry for me or any other adoptive couples. It isn't meant to persuade anyone to adopt or place a child for adoption.  My purpose is for people to realize that yes, even though the adoptive couple ends up with the baby they went through a lot to get there.  Even through all the years of heartache and pain, I would go through it again to have met our angel birth mother's and these two little angels that make our world's go round.

13 Things I've Learned in 13 Years of Marriage

Today I've been married to my man for 13 years!  Our wedding day seems so long ago to me.  So many things have happened in 13 years.  My hubs lost his hair, we both gained a few (okay a lot) of pounds, we became parents, we bought a home, we've worked many jobs, we've traveled, we've shouted, laughed, cried and laughed some more.  Life has been good to us and I've learned a lot!

1) You can't change your spouse.  You can only change you!  I remember my mom telling me that early in my marriage.  I learned this truth early.  It was still a difficult reality to accept!

2) Couples that pray together stay together.

3) "Many people, if they were to treat other people as they treat their spouses would soon have not a friend in the world.  Why it is assumed that marriage is more impervious to the effects of discourtesy than friendship, I do not know...." -Jo Coudert

This is one of my most favorite quotes EVER!  It hangs on my fridge and it is TRUE!  Do you ever catch yourself speaking rudely to your hubs (or even kids) and then the phone rings or someone knocks at the door, you answer it and you're as sweet as can be?  Not that we should answer it and speak rudely to our friends and neighbors but maybe we should reevaluate how we speak to our family. 

4) Never say NEVER!  Never say ALWAYS!  This is one my husbands biggest pet peeves.  "You NEVER do this or you NEVER do that!"  "You ALWAYS make me do everything or you ALWAYS make me feel like crap!"  You get the idea.  (I've noticed that those same words strike a nerve with my daughter too.)

5)  Write it in a letter.  Sometimes (well most all the time) when I'm angry I will say things I shouldn't have said.  I also get flustered easily and have a difficult time communicating how I feel.  If I give myself time to cool down and think it over it makes a big difference!  Lately I've sent the hubs an email explaining how I feel.  I try not to be rude, but I'm honest and express my feelings to him.  I don't think it comes across as harsh and the hubs seems to receive it better.  There is a blog I looove where a gal and her husband do a weekly segment called "Dear Dave + April".  They each write a letter to each other sharing how they feel and what they can do better to strengthen their marriage.  I love to read their honesty and to know that nobody has the perfect marriage.  We can only keep trying and working at making it better.

6) Be Best Friends!  The first time the hubs and I hung out was in high school.  The first time we hung out we weren't on a date.  We whip creamed and saran wrapped our U.S. Government student teacher's car.  (I prefer not to explain at this point but let's just say he deserved it!  The perv!)  We went and had a ton of fun together and there wasn't the weird stress of impressing each other because we weren't on a so called "date."  Later when we went on our first date it wasn't weird or awkward.  (Except that I was convinced that I was taller than he was.)  We were best friends from the get go.  When he left on a mission I felt lost.  I could and still can tell him everything.  (Well, almost everything.  Sometimes it's better if he doesn't know how much the grocery bill totaled.)  The best part is when I'm with my hubs I can be myself! 

7) Show your man affection!  Compliment him.  Tell him he's hot!  Hold his hand!  Bust a move!  Smother him with kisses!  Praise him when he loads the dishwasher.  Men are babies and they need the recognition.

8) Go on dates!  This one is tough!  Let's be honest....it's a hassle finding a sitter and making arrangements but it's so worth it and most of all it's important!  And....it's good for the kids to know that our marriage is important.  If your kids are like mine the beg us to go out so they can have a babysitter.  Along those same lines an overnight away is awesome too.  Two years ago my man took to Island Park for our anniversary.  We laughed a TON and had a blast!  Although we missed the kids it was nice to be kid free and just enjoy each other for the weekend.  We need to do that again!  We are WAY overdue! 

9) Don't fight in front of the kids!  They will hate it and they might even tell your mother!  Not only that, they will pick up words such as Jerk and A-hole!

10) No Name Calling

11) Don't agree to help with something and then grumble and complain the entire time you're doing it.  (Unless of course he can't hear you.)

12) If your husband snores so loud your kids think there are 4 wheelers driving by then he should go to a sleep lab and have a sleep study performed.  They will put him on a CPAP and you will no longer spend your nights on the couch.  He will sleep well and wake up happy and you will too.  (PS-CPAP'S are NOT sexy!)

13) Communicate.  We communicate.  We say it all!  Maybe even too much!  I'm learning how to communicate in a way that isn't hurtful and doesn't include yelling.  (Hence the emails and/or letters.)

These are only a few of the things I've learned in the past 13 years! I think we have come a long way!  We've made it this far!  Here's to eternity!