In light of recent news regarding adoption I wanted to share my experience from an adoptive parents' point of view. These are MY feelings. I don't expect that all adoptive parents share these same feelings. I know that every adoption is unique and every person experiences something different because of perspective.
For as long as I can remember I have loved children. As a teenager I took on babysitting jobs not only as a way to earn cash, but because I loved kids. When my hubs and I were dating and engaged we talked about having a family. We wanted four or five children. Never once during those conversations did the idea even cross my mind that we may not get pregnant. After being married for about six months we decided we would try to start our family. My immature self expected to get pregnant within the first month. It didn't happen. Several months passed and I didn't get pregnant. Finally, after a year I decided maybe I should see a doctor. At that point I started taking fertility medications, giving myself monthly shots and running numerous tests and procedures. Months turned into years and still no babies. There were days my heart ached and the tears flowed freely. It seemed everyone around me was having babies; friends, sisters, sister-in-laws, cousins. It was so unfair. I was mad at God for blessing others with children when I couldn't have one. I was mad at those single girls who became pregnant because they weren't deserving. I was mad at the women who lived in poverty, did drugs, or abused their babies and could get pregnant and I couldn't. Why would God allow such a thing? Why was I being punished?
Eventually, I realized I wasn't being punished. I realized too, that good things happen to bad people and I realized that those single pregnant women would be two of the greatest human-beings I would ever meet and love. Once I decided to realize that God knew what was best was when things started to change. I'll never forget leaving the University of Utah hospital after meeting with an infertility specialist. We had two options if we wanted to become parents: IVF (In vitro fertilization) or adoption. Although I remember crying from disappoint, I also remember a sense of relief to FINALLY have answers so that we could move forward. IVF would cost thousands of dollars and we gambled with a 50/50 chance of ending up with a baby. We decided we would rather put our money toward adoption. People ask me if money weren't an issue would we have done IVF. Probably not. I was so over being pricked and prodded and medicated. Infertility med's are not kind. I gained weight, experienced hot flashes that even a menopausal woman couldn't compete with and was moodier than a premenstrual teenage girl. On that day we decided adoption was for us and it left me feeling happy, anxious and hopeful.
The road to motherhood was still filled with bumps, twists and turns.
Hoop #1: Money. They say money can't buy happiness but in our case it could, and eventually, it did! We patiently saved and tried to get our finances in order. We saved to buy a house or a baby; whichever came first.
Hoop #2: Adoption classes. Ugh! For me this was painfully awkward. I had no desire to sit around with complete strangers and cry about not becoming pregnant. By the time we got to this phase I was over infertility. The last thing I wanted to do was to hash out the feelings I had felt for the past five years. That, and I prefer grieving in the privacy of my home.
Hoop #3: Paperwork. If you thought buying a house was a lot of paperwork try adoption. Imagine having to apply for parenthood. We did exactly that! We submitted bank statements, letters of recommendation, background checks and proof of good health from our doctors. On top of that we had to talk about our relationship which included intimacy questions and how we deal with conflicts and problems. The form I hated filling out the most was the one that included a list of check-boxes where we had to choose what kind of child we would accept. How about an infant? A toddler? Hispanic or African-American? A child with birth defects or cerebral palsy? We weren't talking about choosing what car to buy but a human-being.! Do you know how guilty I felt leaving certain boxes blank?
Hoop #4: The home study. Picture a house inspector making sure your house is clean, sanitary, safe and fit for a child. Talk about pressure! Every electrical outlet covered, every cleaning agent out of reach, and fire extinguishers, carbon monoxide, and fire alarms set in place.
Hoop #5: We WAIT! The fate of our parenthood was out of our hands. The only thing left for us to do was pray and spread the word to family and friends. Did you know that often times that is how adoptive couples find adoptive mothers is word of mouth? Our birth mothers found us because they knew someone that we knew. Did you know that the day we moved into our house we received the phone call from the adoption agency that we had been picked to be parents? The waiting period of being chosen by a birth mother was over but we still had to wait for baby to arrive.
Do you know the roller-coaster of emotions that accompany adoption? Guilt, joy, heartache, charity, disappointment, loyalty, pressure, and humility just to name a few. For me, the guilt came from feeling so excited and happy to have this child come home with me and knowing that our dear birth-mother's left empty handed and brokenhearted. Guilt because I had grown to love these birth-mother's like family. They became my sisters and I hated to see them ache. Pressure to be the best mother to these babies in order to not disappointment the birth-mother's and their families. Disappointment came when I wanted to take my sick leave to be with my baby but couldn't because I hadn't actually given birth. Five weeks of sick leave I had saved, but my employer said no. They would give me the time off alright, but I couldn't get paid for it. I felt cheated once again that because I couldn't give birth I didn't have the same rights as all mothers. Aside from that, I feel humbled to have such a privilege of experiencing adoption and to witness such pure, Christlike love emulated by our birth-mother's, and I will feel forever indebted and loyal to them for their gift and sacrifice.
My point in writing this is not for people to feel sorry for me or any other adoptive couples. It isn't meant to persuade anyone to adopt or place a child for adoption. My purpose is for people to realize that yes, even though the adoptive couple ends up with the baby they went through a lot to get there. Even through all the years of heartache and pain, I would go through it again to have met our angel birth mother's and these two little angels that make our world's go round.
